On Feeling Blue

effy

There are days when we hold back those certain things inside of us…we store them in some corner to deal with another time or we hope we can store them and entirely forget that they exist but they somehow do crop up, all bursting down at once. It feels like hell and we think – what’s the point of it all, really?

It feels like we’ve had too much. We suddenly have so many questions fucking with our heads. What’s the point of trying to ‘not think’ of things that we felt so majorly about just yesterday? Is that okay? Why do they have to come up now? We’ve been doing just well enough at avoiding them. Haven’t we? We feel tired. I wouldn’t use the word ‘tired’ but that’s the word we use to describe the way we feel to everyone else. We’d love to just hit ‘Esc’ and escape.

My head feels like it’s detonating now like there’s an atomic bomb inside of it.

Only yesterday I thought it was okay to deal with mind fucks, problems, heart breaks and feeling lonesome as hell. Today, the blue just seems to have gotten to me and I listen to ‘How to Disappear Completely’ by Radiohead on repeat, I smoke relentlessly, I read ‘The Catcher in the Rye’ and relate abundantly to Holden Caulfield, I take stupid walks…and I try to feel ‘okay’ about not feeling okay.

I crave for the goddamn clarity.

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