Ambiguity

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It’s great to have certainty about things, about everything in life. It was so important to me until I realized there’s no way I could always have a sense of certainty of this and that. Until recently, not being in control of my thought process felt very wrong to me; I liked having things in specific drawers in my head but then I realized, my head is one big drawer, everything is dropped in there, together, and I need to sort it out myself. In fact, each one of us is capable enough to do that, if only we try.

I rarely feel one thing. It’s always a gush of too much or too little for me. Standing alone amid the rubble of what my life used to be — remnants of old diaries of times that now seem faraway — is terrifying. Where do I look for assurance, a sense of identity and certainty?

So I gave it a thought and I related uncertainty to an abundance of possibilities and surprises. Change, I learnt was the only certainty since everything around me was constantly changing. I was a different person from what I was two years ago or even yesterday!  Things around me had changed, people changed and yes, ‘uncertainty’ really was the only certainty that I could think of. I wanted to perceive it positively and so today, I’m trying to see things in a new light. I want to be absurd. I want to randomly get a tattoo that means so much to me. I want to move somewhere I don’t know a soul. I want to make mortifying mistakes that I would look back on and cringe; and although, I would feel completely lost and alone at times, I would have new touchstones, new experiences.

I want to embrace the uncertainty

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