I love feeling tiny in this gigantic universe. I am humbled by my smallness. When I look up at the sky and watch the stars flare up in the soothing darkness, it’s a treat for my soul.
Some nights, when I can’t fall asleep because I’m scared of all the thoughts that follow me into my dreams, I listen to instrumentals and I simply let the music devour me.
Sometimes, there’s absolutely nothing that one can do to fix something. It feels like a strenuous test of emotional endurance, but looking up at the stars gives me a sense of comfort.
In this long journey, into myself, I hope I find me there and I hope I find magic in the rainbows and the stars and the music and the wine. Years from now, the time we shared together will feel like just a moment.
Towards the end, when I look at the whole picture, you’ll be a part of it and not the whole picture.
Just like how, you and I are a tiny speck in this vast world.
Tiny yet significant.
Clutter (noun) – a collection of things lying about in an untidy state
I was cleaning up my room yesterday and it took me a good while to sort through my stuff – the things I needed to keep and the ones I needed to get rid of. It’s crazy how I had these cabinets and drawers filled with stuff I couldn’t bear to throw away or look at but had held onto for so long. Items that seemed useless yet they were sort of important to me in a way.
Quite often, we hang onto far more objects than we need.
Much like the physical clutter that I was surrounded with; it hit me that I had just as much emotional and mental clutter within me. It was draining me of my energy.
As I discarded all the things that I didn’t need, there was so much space in the room. It was only my physical space that I had cleared out and yet I already felt much freer and lighter.
I wondered how it would feel to sort through the clutter within me – all my anger, regrets, fear, worries, frustration and the unproductive gunk of emotions that I had collected over the years…all dusty and old, and taking up a whole lot of space.
Now, what separates human beings from animals and plants? It’s our ability to think, reason and rationalize.But as human beings, we also have something called ‘memory’ which is pretty much like a filing cabinet full of our experiences. What one chooses to store there is entirely up to them. However, cluttering up your mind with all the unnecessary and negative stuff, is not only consuming your energy but it tends to take its toll on you. It leaves you feeling disoriented and unable to think straight. It leaves you feeling lost and overwhelmed. It leaves you feeling chaotic and unstable but once you actually assess the mess, and understand that it’s time to do away with certain things and feelings or habits, it leaves you feeling liberated. It leaves you with a sense of clarity and peace.
Just like somethings have an expiration date, it’s time to put one on your angers, pain, fears and everything else that exhausts you. Let it go.
I love how silence can be so emotionally cleansing. In a castle of chaos, silence is therapeutic. There’s so much disorganization in my head and when I speak, it’s evident. It’s hard to make sense to others when you can’t make sense to yourself. But there’s no shame in being a mess or having scars inside and out. It’s liberating to allow yourself to feel whatever you’re feeling wholly and expressing your authentic feelings. Absorbing the faint whispers of the universe in the midst of all this disarray is divine. I’m listening to the trees as they sway in the wind and the sound of raindrops and the singing birds because they have much more to say. When I dream of you, I know it’s real because dreams are experiences and experiences are real. The emotions attached to them are real. I’m not going to run; I’m going to fix what’s broken. I’m quiet because I’m listening to life.
“Your memory is made of light” –Pablo Neruda
A lot of our memories involved the sun and how we marveled at the shades of the sky with orange and pink and the brightest hues of red splashed all over at sunset as it slowed down time altogether. Today, when I find myself thinking of you, I can’t find a better way to be closer to you than watching the sun go down. I know I’ll find you in all the colors shining down at me.